What’s in it for me?

At age 14, wearing my favorite Above the Rim t-shirt and plaid flannel shirt. Awesome.

Hi peeps. This is my first post. Kinda scary. Actually a LOT scary. If you have not yet read the “About” page, let me give you a short synopsis of why I am here and why you are here.

I have lived for many years under the message cloud: “You are not good enough.” I really don’t know exactly at what age it started, but I can remember back to junior high when I was the awkward girl with B.O., braces and a literal “crater face” (after my bout of chicken pox). I wore thrift store clothing before it became cool. My best friend was the most popular girl in our class and when we went to the mall, I’d often get overlooked by the random boys who flocked to her side. If I did get their attention, it was usually a quizzical glance that seemed to ask “Why are you here?”

Despite how I sell my sob story, there were also a lot of people who liked me and as I developed into a high school student and then a college student, my friend base grew larger and larger. But I still could not shake that abusing voice, “Alana, you’re pudgy. Look at your butt, it barely fits in your jeans” and “You may have big dreams, but you are never going to reach them. You never finish anything you start.”

I have lived with these voices my entire adult life. I’m done with it. I’m stepping up, recognizing these words for what they are (lies) and proclaiming truth over my life.

Now we come to, why are you here? 1). Probably because I invited you to come check out my writings (thanks for stopping by). 2). This is my desire for you as you read through these pages: That you will find a renewed sense of hope. That you will realize for yourself, “I matter. My opinions matter. My decisions matter” and lastly, I wish for you to experience renewed energy and new perspectives.

If one person feels alive again because of the words I share, then this blog will have been a success.

However, I am still scared. What if no one comes to my site? What if they only come once, yawn, and never come back? Well, this is my way of fighting back against those voices. I’m just going to keep on talking.

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13 thoughts on “What’s in it for me?

  1. The following is copied from a discussion I had with a professor at Free Agent Academy. The professor and I were talking about how ANGER underlies MOST EVERY AREA OF MY LIFE and I’m not exactly certain why:
    ________________

    I was thinking that same thing when I went through… symptoms not the cause. B/c anger sure does pop its head up ALL OVER MY FREAKING LIFE! It’s crazy. I don’t understand it. I’ve tried to tell myself it’s b/c I’m a “passionate” person, I WANT to pour myself into something, but I haven’t found that… so I then get frustrated… and then get angry.

    But honestly, I wonder if the above explanation isn’t just me trying to make an excuse for my actions (if you lie to yourself long enough even YOU will come to believe it). And it sound made up… in my own ears.

    What just hit me now… and it sounded like a GONG in my head…

    I’LL NEVER BE GOOD ENOUGH.

    Period.

    Doesn’t matter what I do, I won’t be good enough. Good enough for what? I’m not sure. But I KNOW I can NEVER live up to my own standards. EVER. It’s IMPOSSIBLE. Yet I still set them REDICULOUSLY HIGH!

    That … resonated with me. Never be good enough.

    _______________

    Yeah… So I KNEW there was a reason we struck up a friendship so quickly at 48days.net. I mean other than BOTH BEING TOTALLY AWESOME!!! We’re the same… yet we’re different.

    I had coke bottle glasses (which by the way I have officially ordered my first pair of glasses in 15 years); I too was and am a crater face, but b/c of HORRIBLE acne that started in 4th grade; I was friends with a group of popular folks… and yet was never accepted or liked myself; My weight was never really an issue, although I was frequently made fun of for being too skinny (6’3″ and 135 lbs), the bigger issue was I was so HORRIBLE uncoordinated. I grew 6 inches in 6 months once and my coordination has suffered EVER since.

    And that whole, “You’re not good enough”. I apologize for this, but honestly, sometimes I just want to KICK MY OWN ASS and yell SHUT UP! SERIOUSLY!

    Ok. As you can tell, I think it’s a GREAT first post!!! Keep it up!

    ~Ivan

    • Ivan,

      I have experienced anger as a reaction to things as well and never considered it a response to “not being good enough” until I read your post. That’s pretty crazy, because this is a reason I have reacted in anger. It is so easy to have a standard in our minds and always feel like we will never reach the bar – whether that message comes from our parents, our significant other, our peers, employer or culture. I am learning to first identify the message, then look at who it is coming from and ask, “Is there truth in this? What can I learn from this?” And then toss the rest, cuz its garbage and is a distraction from the forward movement I want to have in my life.

      Thank you for your comment!

      • Yeah… I’m not sure where my mindset comes from. My self imposed benchmarks are all me. I mean Jesus could meet them, but pretty much no one else. So I’m DOOMED! A lot comes (I think) from working so much with my Dad as a kid. “‘Good enough’ is not good enough” was a saying I heard almost weekly as a kid. I think this plays into it.

        Keep them coming!

        ~Ivan

  2. Awesome post Alana. I am so proud of you for doing this. I can’t wait to read more. Signed up to follow you in my google reader!!!! And your blog looks fantastic, So how about contributing to TheMODELife.com now? You’d be an awesome addtition.

    P.S. I think I need Josh to help create the look of my new blog(s). 🙂

    • Thanks Terri! I’d like to get my legs a little bit first, but then yes, I would definitely consider contributing to TheMODELife.com! 🙂

      I agree, Josh did a fabulous job with the design. I think the colors, font and photo all come together perfectly.

    • Thanks Shelbe! I am so excited for you and the journey that you are on. Can’t wait to hear more about what you have learned/are learning!

  3. Love the first post! I think writing about life and feelings is a great expression and way to sort through whatever is on your mind and heart. I don’t know the “Alana” of the past, but the current Alana is a beautiful person inside and out, with such a unique sense of style and perspective!

    • Jamie,
      Thank you for your feedback! 🙂 I know I have more value than what I actually believe myself to have, so I am anticipating that through exposing the lies I will see more clearly who I am created to be. My hope is for others to see their true value as well.

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