I have been living my life as a captive. I have done what those around me want me to do or expect of me for fear they will reject me if I choose to make my own decisions.
In high school, I changed my clothing to match the popular girl because I thought it would have the same magical affect on my own life. I chose my profession based only on recommendations my mom gave me. I used to have a huge collection of DVDs – half of which I didn’t like. I only purchased them so my house guests would think I was cool. In college, I went into thousands of dollars of debt, specifically because I wanted to have the best party house. I gave parts of me to various men with the naive hope they would reciprocate with their love and protection.
My life has been full of desperate attempts to get others to like me or to accept me into their inner circle. As a result, I have learned to manipulate my behavior to entice those around me. Last week I met with my Naturopath. During the course of our conversation, he asked how much of what I do is externally motivated. In the moment, the only area that came to mind was that of my health. I want to be physically fit and healthy for my husband, not for me. After the appointment, I continued to chew on this question. I was quickly sickened to realize that pretty much everything I do and have done has been based on external motivation! It has been done with the hope that “If I do this action, then my family will love me more. They will finally be proud of me.” “If I do what this guy wants me to do, then he won’t leave me.” “If I am there for this friend, then she will be there for me when I need it.” How gross! How twisted!
This mentality has held me captive from being the person that is the real me. It is terrifying to be 31 years old and sit here wondering, “Who is the real Alana?” I don’t even know.
My theme for 2012 is The Year of Facing My Fears. I know part of this will involve learning to be who I was created to be. I admit, I am a little excited, but mostly I am scared to crap.
BUT. I know I have to do this.
I know I can only be fully free if I allow the real me to be free.