Jessie’s Betrayal

Last week I was telling you about my gorgeous best friend Jessie. [If you missed it, catch up here]. Today I’ll tell you what happened to our friendship, although by the post title, you may have a good guess. 😉

Boys have very much been on my radar for a long time. Actually, from what my Mom tells me, they were on my radar at a very early age… possibly even at the age of 4 or 5?? When I was 5 years old, I began going to a week long Christian family camp every August with my Grandparents. The first few years I did not want to go, but then it quickly turned in to my thang. Each year, I became more known by the other kid campers, more boy campers liked me and I was developing my “tribe”. Throughout the entire calendar year, as my Mom would take me shopping for clothes, I would try them on and actually envision myself wearing them at this camp. [WHAT? By now you may be thinking, Who is this weirdo and why do I keep reading her blog?] I’d turn and look at myself in the mirror and then visually see myself playing on the monkey bars or teeter-totter at camp in that outfit. It seems odd, thinking back to it, but this camp was my thing. My turf. My kingdom. I was one of the “it” girls.

Once I got into the junior high age, my Grandparents said I could bring a girlfriend along with me to camp and we could camp in our own tent outside Grandma and Grandpa’s trailer. SaWEET! I was PUMPED! So, naturally, guess who I invited? Yep, Jessie. I couldn’t wait to show off to her how cool I was at camp. Remember, I was the “it” girl. The boys all wanted to date me.

So, in my initiation session with Jessie, I told her “Okay, Jessie. There are a lot of cute boys here. And some of them are probably going to like you. You can have any of them, except for Brandon. I like him. He likes me. I don’t want you to go near him.” [lol. This is totally making me laugh right now. Such a threat from a little person.] Jessie agreed to my deal.

I bet you can guess where this is going.

So, Jessie and I arrive at camp. Naturally, the boys are like “Oooh… new hot girl!” And quite a few of them show interest in Jessie. Then, she meets Brandon. My Brandon. And… yep, she likes him. And … yep, she flirts with him. And … yep. He notices her. And … yep, he asks her out right in front of me. And … YEP. She. Says. YES. My best friend just said “yes” to the one guy at camp that I liked!

I was pissed! I was angry. I was hurt. I was confused. I was betrayed.

And, I ran away. She called after me and said “Wait! Alana! Where are you going? Why are you mad?” At that moment I experienced a total flash back to the time we were in the mall – the boys liked her and I was left… alone.

I don’t remember how everything went down after this, except that I probably said something like “I can’t believe you. You just said yes to my Brandon! You could have had anyone here and you went after my guy!” I can also guess that the rest of the week at camp with Jessie and Brandon was probably really awkward. I have very few memories of  my friendship with Jessie after this event. A couple weeks later the school year started, and there we were, together again in our small class of probably 24-ish students. Somehow I managed to avoid her and essentially dropped her as a friend.

My primary memory of my friendship with Jessie is that I allowed my jealousy of her hotness to destroy our friendship. Looking back, I have regrets and sometimes wonder now how she is doing or what she is up to. We have not really talked since she left my little private Christian school back in 8th grade.

It’s interesting… to look at my life now and to see how certain patterns I developed when was 12, 13, 14 years old are still playing out in my life today. Even as an adult, I have allowed a couple friendships to dissipate, purely out of jealousy that I could not or did not want to face.

Hmmm. I feeling contemplative right now.

Well, I do have many more stories to share. So stay tuned, we’re just ramping up now. 🙂

[Quick side note: For those of you who may be reading this thinking, “Oh. my. gosh. Alana is married! What is she doing talking about these others guys?? I’m not sure that’s appropriate.” Let me just put your mind at ease right now and tell you I am absolutely in love with Josh. My stories from my past shaped who I am today, and I think if I were not willing to talk about my past, (even involving boys) then we would have a bigger problem on our hands. So, put your big-boy and big-girl pants on and let’s move on.]

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6 thoughts on “Jessie’s Betrayal

    • I know, right? I would say ages 11-14 were highly formative for me. There are a few key events that happened during this time that instilled a belief in me that I was not worth fighting for.

      I have been wondering myself how Jessie is and what she is like today. A small part of me wants to pursue that and find out… the other part of me is honestly fearful to re-open that door completely.

  1. I find it interesting that you blame your jealousy of Jessie’s hotness as the major issue that caused the friendship to go south … what about her flirting with the one guy you liked, and in front of you?? Insecurity played a part, yes – but your insecurity wasn’t unfounded in the sense that you held beliefs that you weren’t a “hot girl” (which I think it was only your belief that got in the way; that lack of confidence in yourself is probably what others picked up on, and not your actual attributes). If you ask me, Jessie wasn’t a very good friend to you in those moments at camp when you introduced her to Brandon.

    I’d say leave the Jessie-door closed. Wh invite back those feelings, that you’re working out by writing?

    • Good point about Jessie being a crappy friend. Its a huge bummer when friends completely ignore our requests and do whatever they want even if they know it will hurt us. I think as young people it’s impossible to be able to articulate what we can as adults. It is pretty apparent though that this event caused some sort of trauma with Alana.

      I question why you would leave the door closed to this type of thing. If this is coming up some 25 years later there is obviously something here that Alana might want to take a look at.

      I think if we really believe that there is healing through Christ that we must bring up the dirty stuff from our past no matter how trivial others might think it is. It could be Alana needs to work on forgiving Jessie for her betrayal or maybe its about Alana’s view of herself, or maybe it is a good story to share that brings about community between people who had similar experiences.

      Close the door? Yeah, probably…eventually, but maybe wait a little bit until the door gets closed.

      • When I said “Close the door”, I wasn’t clear – I meant that in regard to Alana saying she wondered where Jesse is & what she’s up to now. I almost commented that Jessie could probably be found on facebook, but I thought, to what end? I meant it in the sense of trying to re-establish contact with Jessie. For now, at least, I saw no point in that (until Alana has resolved that issue within herself).

        I didn’t mean to close the door on learning from that relationship. I am 100% behind people exploring their pasts to learn lessons from them. I do a lot of that myself .

        Does that answer your question? (Where you said “I question why you would leave the door closed on this type of thing.” Just want to be clear.)

  2. @KungFuGirl Totally! I think we are on the same page. You bring up an interesting point about Facebook. I currently only use Facebook for cycling events but there was a point where I was connecting with all sorts of people from my past (high school, college, etc.) that I had nothing to do with in real life. It brought up all sorts of memories of those relationships. I wonder if connecting with certain people from our past is healthy…I suppose it depends.

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